i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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