Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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