i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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