i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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