Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
