Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
