I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
