your parents love me but you hate me
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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