i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
