how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
