can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
