This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
