I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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