I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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