before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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