i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
