if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Green mimosas i think yes
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
