I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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