i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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