a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
