Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
