People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
