I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
