She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
