FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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