i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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