You can't motorboat a personality
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
