I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
