Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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