You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
