ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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