Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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