i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
