I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize