I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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