Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
