We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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