When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
