I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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