I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
