Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize