listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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