I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
