If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Randomize
