I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
