yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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