The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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