I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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