Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
