Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
just found out that she named her cat after me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
