I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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