dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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