I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
