FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
