R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
