i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
