if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just had sex bonerless
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
