I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
