Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
